ohhhhh.

i need a job.

i am in debt for the first time,

and it is depressing.

not being able to buy anything is horrible,
not an experience i really want to repeat.

so, i need a job.

pausing.

hesitating.

stability is overrated.

dream the dream that hasn't been dreamt before.

i need clothes.

new clothes,

i honestly need some.

it's not that i want a new wardrobe or anything,

just a couple of summer t.shirts that will get me through the next couple of months.
that would be nice.

luck.

i think, in a weird way, i am kind of lucky,
as nothing horrific has ever happened to me,
i mean, yes i've had some bad experiences, but nothing that has really put me in depression,
so yes, i think i'm kind of lucky.

exams.

this is stupid,

i know i should be revising,

and i know that when it comes to the day of the exams i will be stressing madly,

and annoying everyone,

and it'll be all my own fault.

i've tried,

i guess just not hard enough.

and i've done two past papers,

and a couple of cue cards,

so that kind of makes me feel a tad better.

but really, it's a fail.

and i know,

that when i get my results and they're not as good as i wanted,

i'll only have myself to blame,

and i'll regret not revising when i had the chance.

shoes.

i don't care how sad and pathetic this post is going to sound,
because i'm experiencing something new.

i am in love with a pair of shoes.

okay, well maybe not 'love' - but i have a very strong liking.
for a pair of shoes,
i've never heard anything so sad.

but it's true, and even though i may change my dress,
or look a state on the night,
my shoes will be lovely.
that's my last hope really.

my lovely new shoes.

may/june.

may wasn't so bad,
there were tears and laughter and general emotional outbursts,
but it was a pretty good month,
apart from the 'self presentation' part - yeah, that could have been better.

june expectations
alot of crying, alot of stress, oh exams shall be fun,
those lovely induction days that i am clearly looking forward to,
because it won't be awkward or anything, right?
urm, prom anticipation should probably be on the list,
and netball matches where we shall be doing some 'ass whopping'.

june targets
try not to piss too many people off,
even though first impressions aren't so great for me, try and get it right anyway,
make an effort in the 'self presentation' department - generally to please my mother,
and try not to kill myself.

overall, june should be good.

'are you okay?'

the most often reply is, 'yes, i'm fine',
which in a way is true, but only because it's a habit to say it.

then you have the more challenging question,
'what are you feeling?'
which cannot be answered very easily,
and generally noone truly knows how they're feeling,
so you get the reply, 'nothing'.
which can annoy people alot, can make them think that you just can't be bothered to talk to them,
but really, they want to talk to you, they just don't know what about.

and to finish off, you get, 'what are you thinking?'
which in itself is hard to answer,
because if you answer honestly, it could hurt or upset someone,
and if you lie, well it may have just been easier to tell the truth,
and sometimes, you don't know what to say,
because what you were thinking was so surreal, that you wanted it to be true,
and the realisation of it being just a 'day dream', makes it that much harder to accept.