everything matters.

just somedays it matters more than others.

pictures and colour.

so i realised that the limited pictures that i have on here are black and white,

and that my blog seems rather depressing.

so i've decided to have more pictures,

and more colour.

this may not stick,

but i'll see what happens.

^ just because i love her,

and her effortlessly chic style.

complaints.

i generally keep things in,
sharing only slight slithers of feelings to those i really trust.
but today i decided that i needed to write it all down,
see if it makes me feel better in anyway at all.
but i have alot to write down,
all about different things.
well i hope it helps,
but i guess we'll see.

it annoys me how you change your mind,
how you were so indecisive once the plans had been made,
and how you've made my life alot harder than it needed to be.
so yes,
i may have sounded harsh,
and it might not sound fair,
but i'm not taking the responsibility for your crap.
and the fact that you were so immature to avoid me for the whole day,
yes that spoke volumes.
you know you're in the wrong.

it's stupid how little you think of me,
how even in the 'group discussions',
you never hear a word i say.
and i would like to change this,
get you to hear me,
even for just the once,
but it would make things more complicated,
and i don't think i can deal with that.
so i'll carry on and see what happens,
but you should at least try and listen to me,
seeing as i have a better idea of what is going on than you do.

you made me feel pathetic, small and very very keen.
so yes, i may miss you,
i may want to talk to you,
i might even want to see you.
but for you to be so uninterested,
yes, that made me feel like shit.
rejection is usually okay to handle,
but this went a bit further than usual.
so i would like to thank you,
for putting me in this mood today.

life.

to know is to like.

to like is to want.
to want is to need.

to need is to love.

to love is to live.

more.

i should blog more,
i should think more,
i should do more,
i should feel more.

but even though i know this,
is it ever going to change?
because this isn't the first time i've thought this,
realised just how little i do,
but it hasn't made me change yet.

maybe something will have to happen,
to make me change,
to finally set me straight.
i hope it doesn't take too long.

but do i want to change?
i think i need to,
just for everyone else's sake,
rather than my own.
but more will have to happen,
for anything to change at all.

happy birthday.

there are some things you will never know,
like how much i love you,
how my stomach goes into a frenzy every time i think of you,
and how you are the only thing on my mind,
when i'm with you and when i'm not.

then there's the texts,
how when i see your name i automatically smile,
go tingly at the thought of you thinking of me too.
and then there's those precious hours when i see you,
even if only for a bit,
it is still the most amazing time for me.

so you see,
you will never know how much i love you,
because i can't even explain it myself.
all i know,
is that i do.

i love you.

motivation.

i have none.
nothing to push me to revise,
work towards something that will actually get me somewhere.

so yesterday i neglected macbeth,
ignored my maths books,
and did nothing.

i daydreamed,
i watched a film,
i ignored the world for a couple of hours.

it was peaceful,
relaxing.
it was lazy,
yet the guilt hasn't quite reached me yet.

yet, i still have none.
so now i'm just going to push myself to do it,
make myself open my revision book,
and analyze macbeth.
because if i don't,
i know i'm going to regret it.

jealousy.

i try not to,
i try to control those feared thoughts that occupy my mind;
the ones that poke and pester,
and never stop.


they are always there,
in every thought,
saved in the back of my mind.
i don't like them,
and i try not to think about them,
but it's hard.
it's hard to ignore,
hard to live without thinking of them once.


so yes,
i get jealous,
and i hate the feeling,
but i can't stop.
maybe it's how much i feel that makes those jealous thoughts appear,
maybe it's just the mood i'm in.


and it hurts.
jealousy hurts.
it creates cracks that were never there before.
but i'm trying not to let it get to me,
because i'm worried what happens if it does.

moods.

i'm not sure why i feel like this,
maybe it's hormones, or just something that had to happen.
all i can say is,
i don't like the person i am when i'm like this,
i'm a bitch.
but nothing seems to help.
talking to you makes it worse,
because i see how horrible i am to you,
yet i can't stop.
clearly there's something wrong,
something inside me that's gone wrong.
and i want to fix it,
but i just don't know how.

it's not simple.

some things can never be explained;

like the way i feel about you,

or the way i get butterflies whenever i think of you.

i can't describe it,

so i'll just say,

i love you.