i made a mistake..

yes, a huge mistake i know.

but please...forgive me.

i hate myself.

the guilt is unbearable.
i can't stop thinking about it and it's eating me inside.

we've talked about it, but things were said which i regret. alot.
i didn't mean what i said, i was annoyed and upset that you didn't seem to care.
i know it seemed like i was making a bigger deal out of it than necessary, but i can't help the way i feel, even though it causes so much pain.
i guess i just wanted it to happen so much, i died a little when it became clear it wasn't what you wanted.

obviously i'm the one in the wrong, for even telling you how i felt in the first place.
fucking delusional.
why would you like me in the first place?

transfixed.

pretty much most of my brain space, is filled up with thoughts of you.
pathetic, i know.

but i can't help it, i don't know why, but something just keeps pulling me back to you.
as much as i would like to move on with my life, i'm finding it pretty hard,
i mean, i thought i was possibly getting over you?
yeahh. right.
still, i think i could have done it, given enough time and...minutes away from you?

but then you went and turned all that around,
and i'm back to square one.

i wonder what will happen next?

seriously?!

i don't understand why, when i really don't want something, everything comes at once.
i hate how i get myself into situations, where i really should have said no, but was too nice so i just went along with it anyway.
i hate how my emotions give me away and how one small thing can completely ruin my mood.
i try and change these things, but nothing seems to work.
yes it's depressing, but it's all i've ever been.

on the other hand, i can't complain too much atm...as my life finally seems to be on track.

reach for the stars, because even if you don't make it, at least you'll be among them

6 weeks to go...

there is no need to flirt with absolutely everyone..

especially when the person you're flirting with does not fancy you,

and the only reason you guys even talk is because of me,

so please don't do it.

i guess i'm jealous..

i mean, i don't really like to share,

and when it comes to a best friend,

sharing is not a good feeling.

sometimes i think maybe you prefer them to me?

but then you'll say something, a private joke between us two,

and i realise i'm being stupid.

again.

but still,

i know it's pathetic of me to even worry about it,

but i guess you mean that much to me,

that it's scary to think you'd go...

to someone else.

mmmmm...

it was different,

but so very lovely...

and even though not everything went as planned,

and some things were said that shouldn't have been,

overall, it was lovely.

unforgettable.



i love you.

i'm going to try and be nicer..

apparently this is how people are meant to be..

:')

feelings are hard to express,

and usually i'm pretty crappy at it anyway.

at first i thought it was different,

i wanted something new and exciting and not what i was used to,

but i guess what i really wanted, was to be different.

because sure i'm glad it all happened,

and yes i've enjoyed it and don't regret a thing,

but i think boredom is setting in, which is the old me.

i don't know why, but this always happens and i really want it to change,

because it'll only end up hurting in the end.

you are a twat..

most of the time.

unfortunately, this is true for almost everyone..

things are crazy, always moving so fast..

sometimes i sit and wonder, what would my life be like if i hadn't made the right choice,

if maybe i'd have chosen a different route, where would i be now?

i hate to think about the bad things to come out of my choice,
but overall, i think it's been worth it,

and it's not over yet..

i think it's hard because i still think of you as one of my best friends,

and i know i'm shit with texting back and all of that,

but i always have been, so nothing's really changed there.

and i hate that i don't see you much,

and that we don't talk as much as i know we should,

and yes of course it's mostly my fault..

my organisation skills are pretty shocking for one,

and i find it hard to divide my time equally.

but i do know this, and i'm trying to change it..

just so i don't lose you completely.

but i think maybe if you put yourself in my shoes you'd realise why it would upset me,

and the biggest thing is, i thought you'd be the one to miss me,

because i expect the others probably don't.

so yes i miss you alot, and i hate that i didn't make more of an effort,

but just don't give up on me yet.

hello 2011...

well, i won't lie, it slightly upset me that i didn't get an invite..

sure i may have been away and i would have had to decline your offer,

but that's not the point.

and i was lying when i said 'slightly',

because it hurt a whole lot more than that.