okay, so here's the plan.

you continue to do what you want,
as you please,
not even bothering to make the effort.

i'll start to do what i want,
as i please,
stopping to make the effort completely.

sound good?
like you even give a shit.

this is why i love my mum.

my mother is amazing.
i know almost everyone is going to say this,
and sure, i'm obviously a tad bias,
but honestly, my mum is one of the best.

she gave me one of the best pieces of advice today.
even though all my lovely friends have been amazing,
and given me amazing 'motivation speeches' and 'moving on quotes',
my mum out beat them all.

we were shopping in topshop today-as you do,
and she turned to me and said,
'lucy, just have a good old bitch about her,
get her out of your system and then sort out the situation,
and tell him that she's on a wind-up as this isn't the first time'.
and although sure,
this could get me into some slight trouble,
and it may not be the best thing to do,
it was the way she said it,
like it would cure me of everything i've felt in the last couple of days.

so yes,
i proceeded to do just that,
in topshop,
to my mum.
and i felt better after,
and of course she then gave me some decent advice,
pretty much the same that i'd been getting all week.
but it was just in that one moment,
when she clearly thought 'fuck it, i'll tell her what everyone else hasn't'.
and you know what?
i wish i'd been told to do it earlier.

elegance and mystery.

i don't know why, but i love this picture.

russell brand.

lovelovelove him. ♥

i'm not stupid.

for some reason, unknown to me,
you seem to think that i may be intellectually retarded?
mentally slow?
blond and dumb?
well i'm not.
just because i don't have the balls to talk to you,
because i'm so angry at you,
that i would have to scream, as talking at a lower volume wouldn't make me feel better.

but to be honest, this is your fault.
well, as well as sharing it with someone else.
because if you actually thought about your 'true' feelings,
then you would never have said anything in the first place.
you wouldn't have said something so small that would change everything,
to then change your mind a couple of hours later.

and the way you talk about it,
when you mention me it's as though you think i'm the stupid one for feeling so much?
whereas you, with your pretty features and nice hair, feel nothing.
no regret, no guilt for making so many issues out of nothing.
no guilt for making people feel so much pain.
and then you said something that made you sound so stupid,
i had to laugh.

'she doesn't know who it is.'
oh really?
are you sure?
because i'm not stupid love.
i know that it's you.
everyone knows that it's you.
because you've always been there,
on the sidelines,
just waiting.

so you can go and stick your pity,
because i don't need anything from you.
you've done enough damage with those few words.
i hope you're happy,
because honestly, i'm not.

hello good mood.

i have alot to say.

i have so much to say,
yet the words just don't get said.
i'm scared to say them,
because of what may result from them.
i don't want to think about them,
but they are the only things on my mind.

i'm physically ill from them,
but throwing up doesn't help.
if anything it makes me feel more shit,
because i have nothing else to think about.

i need to tell you what i'm thinking,
but i don't want to force you to choose.
i'm so happy when i'm with you,
that losing you never really occurred to me.

but it's your decision,
to be honest there's nothing i can really do.
it doesn't matter how many times i say 'i love you',
how i tell you that i still get nervous when i see you,
and how i still get butterflies when i think of you,
and that through all of this i still want to be with you,
even though i know that i might not be the only person on your mind.

so you fucked up my day,
and i let someone else down because of you.
and although i promised myself i would never cry over you,
somehow that didn't quite stick.

so when it takes me an hour to reply to you,
it's because i honestly don't know what to say.
because i don't want to force you,
and i don't want to lose you.
just because i love you.