'i love you like a drug'...

...and who said romance was dead?

something different.

it's hard to talk about it.
i feel awkward and embarrassed when i try.
yet i want to talk about it,
i want to get it off my chest.

i really want to tell you,
but not by msn or text,
face to face,
because you deserve to be told that way.

yet, every time i arrange to see you,
something happens,
something stops me getting to you,
stops me telling you.

but i don't want it to change anything between us,
that is the last thing i want to happen.
but if i don't tell you,
you'll find out anyway,
by someone else,
from someone else's point of view.

so next time i see you,
i'm going to tell you.
i just hope nothing changes.

drafts.

i have roughly fifty drafts;
posts that probably will never be published,
posts that are so pathetic it makes me cringe to reread them.
yet i can't delete them,
i can't let go of them.
some are silly little thoughts flowing through my mind at the time,
others whole pages of useless, pathetic feelings that mean so much,
yet really have no relevance.
so it's not that i have nothing to write,
nothing to be heard.
it's just that everything i write is too pathetic to be published.

fail.

i am a fail.
i know it,
i know other people know it,
and basically i know that i'm such a great person for it.
^sarcasm in case people didn't get it.

so i know that i can piss you off,
upset you or put you down.
but i don't mean to.
i would never do that on purpose.
i just don't know how else to be,
how else to act,
and to be honest,
it has been going on for too long now,
that it's hard for me to stop, or even change.

and yes,
i know i can seem obsessed or maybe too keen sometimes,
and i'm sorry.
but some people will always come first,
my best friends will always come first.
and if you can't see that,
then clearly i've been worse than i thought.

because the truth is,
without you i would be lost,
and i don't want to lose you,
and i know it's my fault.
and i'm sorry.

i love you.

there is no possible way for me to express,

just how much you mean to me.

you're the only person who can really cheer me up,

make me smile even when all i can say is 'fuck my life',

and you're the only one that really understands just how much things mean to me,

how i'm feeling,

and how pathetically stupid i can be.

i don't have to worry when i'm with you,

or stress about anything other than our plans for the day.

we could laugh for hours on end,

just living in the moment,

nothing else seems important.

sometimes i think how you might not always be there;

how you might go your own way,

or leave me for something better.

something i don't want to think about,

yet the thought is always there,

how alone i'll feel without you,
even though you'd only be a phone call away.

i'm so envious of you;

the way you talk,

the way you live your life,

no worries or complaints.

yet i could never hate you for it,

never dislike you in the least.

because it is what makes you you,

it's what sets you out from the rest.

there was a time when i thought,

'why me? what made me special enough to have someone like you in my life?'

i still don't know.

but i do know that i am lucky,

to have someone so close that i can tell anything to.

so i am thankful,

thankful that i have you.

you're my bestfriend,

i love you.

new things.

virgin.

my first blog and it's already a fail.
my computer didn't help me,
the freezing,
closing down windows,
restarting the computer when i didn't tell it to.
either this was a sign telling me that a blog is not the best idea,
or i need a new computer.
so far, i think the first is where i am heading.

i'm not sure what i should be writing about;
some people have inspirational quotes and posts,
others, short sentences and envious thoughts,
but i think i'll end up using this as a sort of therapist;
just writing everything, from how i feel,
to what's happening around me.
pathetic i know,
but i'm not the sort of person to have anything more artistic to say.

ah, who knows what will happen,
if i'll even have anything to say,
but for the moment,
i'll carry on and see where this takes me.