april.

well april has had it's ups and downs,
but generally it's just been a 'down' month.

there was the start,
easter, chocolate, cute texts, cliche thoughts.
then the middle,
half term, heartbreak, illness, sad thoughts.
and then the end,
school, stress, exams, distracting thoughts.
and finally, the last day of an overall shite month.
in fact, today has been lovely,
pretty much one of the nicest days in april.

so i've decided,
new month, new start.

i'm not going to think about you anymore,
because it doesn't help me,
it only tears my heart a little more each time.
i'm not going to let you invade my thoughts,
control me with those words that i long to hear again,
yet know they're being used on someone else.
i'm not going to care anymore.

easier said than done.

in time i hope things will be better,
maybe you'll grow some and actually apologise?
doubtful i know,
but lets be honest, it's not like this is the first time.
hopefully we'll manage the relationship 'friends',
and i use the term loosely.
maybe, just maybe, next year won't be awkward,
because i need the escape, and i don't want you to take that from me.






goodbye april.

mr. underwood.

bless him.
he came and sat next to me today,
wanting a chat,
about how my life was going at the moment.
then he asked about the exams i've already done,
i explained and he then proceeded to give me a little speech,
telling me how proud he was of me,
how he'll never lose his faith in me,
how it broke his heart to see me cry,
and how he knows i'm only ever going up in the world.
honestly, it was the cutest speech.
his eyes were welling up,
and it was such a different moment.
not awkward, just different.
i mean, my parents have never even had that sort of conversation with me.
i think all i'm trying to say is that it meant a lot to me,
knowing that at least someone's proud of me,
how someone believes in me.

don't ever think you're not good enough.

the joys of life.

what made me think that i was special enough to actually like my life?

i mean, it's not like i've done anything to deserve a 'nice' life,

and i say nice in the context of boring.

but i haven't done anything that would result in me having such a boring life either.

i just wish that it would brighten a little,

even a spark would suit me.

but i doubt it will,

because if i'm honest,

it's rather steady.

it doesn't progress or go back.

it just kind of stays put.

like me i guess.

and there's my problem.

i'm stuck still.

my love of dance.

^this is beautiful.

hmmmm.

it only just hit me.

i think i've spent the last week or so in a bubble.

a protective aura around me,

keeping in the last happy memories.

but today that shield has gone.

i woke up this morning thinking, 'what am i doing today?',

and then i thought, 'ah, it's 'our' day'.

but it's not.

not anymore.

and as sad as this whole thing sounds,

this is when it hit me that there won't be an 'our' day again.

hate.

i don't hate alot of people,

in fact, i don't think i really hate anyone.

i dislike alot of people,

but hate is too strong to be used lightly.

so when i say this,

it clearly means alot,

and i'm not just saying it for no reason.

i hate you.

for everything you put her through.
for everything that she now feels,
has to get past,

and generally everything that she will remember for a long time.
and yes, you may be sorry,

you may apologize by complimenting her,

making her feel 'special'.

but what you did,

goes way beyond the normal 'sorry'.

i honestly don't think i can look at you again,

which will make things awkward,

but to be honest,

i couldn't care less right now.

and you know what the worst thing is?

she's trying to protect you.

it's not my fault.

i'm sorry,
but you cannot blame this on me.
my text was perfectly clear,
and so were your actions and comments.
so blaming me?
yeah, you fucked up there.
because it's not my fault.
and next time you want to try and blame me,
look on the wall post,
read your comments,
and then think about how i might be feeling.

eurgh.

so i'm past caring.
if you didn't want to be with me,
then you say that you don't want to be with me.
you don't drag it on,
and then ignore all my attempts to mend the situation.
because honestly, mending the situation right now is me calling you every name under the sun.

it's not all about the sex.

hm,
looks like it was all about the sex after all.

okay, so here's the plan.

you continue to do what you want,
as you please,
not even bothering to make the effort.

i'll start to do what i want,
as i please,
stopping to make the effort completely.

sound good?
like you even give a shit.

this is why i love my mum.

my mother is amazing.
i know almost everyone is going to say this,
and sure, i'm obviously a tad bias,
but honestly, my mum is one of the best.

she gave me one of the best pieces of advice today.
even though all my lovely friends have been amazing,
and given me amazing 'motivation speeches' and 'moving on quotes',
my mum out beat them all.

we were shopping in topshop today-as you do,
and she turned to me and said,
'lucy, just have a good old bitch about her,
get her out of your system and then sort out the situation,
and tell him that she's on a wind-up as this isn't the first time'.
and although sure,
this could get me into some slight trouble,
and it may not be the best thing to do,
it was the way she said it,
like it would cure me of everything i've felt in the last couple of days.

so yes,
i proceeded to do just that,
in topshop,
to my mum.
and i felt better after,
and of course she then gave me some decent advice,
pretty much the same that i'd been getting all week.
but it was just in that one moment,
when she clearly thought 'fuck it, i'll tell her what everyone else hasn't'.
and you know what?
i wish i'd been told to do it earlier.

elegance and mystery.

i don't know why, but i love this picture.

russell brand.

lovelovelove him. ♥

i'm not stupid.

for some reason, unknown to me,
you seem to think that i may be intellectually retarded?
mentally slow?
blond and dumb?
well i'm not.
just because i don't have the balls to talk to you,
because i'm so angry at you,
that i would have to scream, as talking at a lower volume wouldn't make me feel better.

but to be honest, this is your fault.
well, as well as sharing it with someone else.
because if you actually thought about your 'true' feelings,
then you would never have said anything in the first place.
you wouldn't have said something so small that would change everything,
to then change your mind a couple of hours later.

and the way you talk about it,
when you mention me it's as though you think i'm the stupid one for feeling so much?
whereas you, with your pretty features and nice hair, feel nothing.
no regret, no guilt for making so many issues out of nothing.
no guilt for making people feel so much pain.
and then you said something that made you sound so stupid,
i had to laugh.

'she doesn't know who it is.'
oh really?
are you sure?
because i'm not stupid love.
i know that it's you.
everyone knows that it's you.
because you've always been there,
on the sidelines,
just waiting.

so you can go and stick your pity,
because i don't need anything from you.
you've done enough damage with those few words.
i hope you're happy,
because honestly, i'm not.

hello good mood.

i have alot to say.

i have so much to say,
yet the words just don't get said.
i'm scared to say them,
because of what may result from them.
i don't want to think about them,
but they are the only things on my mind.

i'm physically ill from them,
but throwing up doesn't help.
if anything it makes me feel more shit,
because i have nothing else to think about.

i need to tell you what i'm thinking,
but i don't want to force you to choose.
i'm so happy when i'm with you,
that losing you never really occurred to me.

but it's your decision,
to be honest there's nothing i can really do.
it doesn't matter how many times i say 'i love you',
how i tell you that i still get nervous when i see you,
and how i still get butterflies when i think of you,
and that through all of this i still want to be with you,
even though i know that i might not be the only person on your mind.

so you fucked up my day,
and i let someone else down because of you.
and although i promised myself i would never cry over you,
somehow that didn't quite stick.

so when it takes me an hour to reply to you,
it's because i honestly don't know what to say.
because i don't want to force you,
and i don't want to lose you.
just because i love you.