christmas.

bright lights, huge trees, presents.

families coming together, surprises; good or bad.

christmas is about all of the above,

yet the only thing worth knowing,

is that christmas is about spending time with the people that you love,

the people whose love for you is unconditional,

because they're family.

and even though they may annoy you or drive you crazy,

you just grin and bear it,

because it's christmas..and they're family.

one month today...

even though i don't put much into 'anniversaries'

i think this one needed a mention.

so yes i can be the biggest bitch to you,

but you can also be a twat without realising it.

and it means nothing other than how much i like you.

so i'm sorry for being 'abusive',

but i really do like you♥

this seems to happen quite often...

sex...dreams.

ohhh dear.

the eight year old with the sex dream.

this has literally scard me for life.

just because you read it...

this is my favourite picture to date♥

bleurgh.

as much as i hate being ill,

by not eating for two days,

it's made my stomach amazingly flat.

:')

you say some things, but you leave most of it unsaid.

how can you be so paranoid, when surely it should be the other way around?

you ignore my questions, yet expect yours to be answered.

you can be so up yourself, yet not realising it at the time. or ever.

you don't realise that i'm upset with you, nor do you realise that a full stop is not a good sign.

you're blunt, but rarely to the point.

and yet, somehow, i'm okay with it.

i guess i know that if i complain, it'll only put us both in a bad mood.

yet sometimes, just sometimes, if you'd care enough to listen,

you'd see that some things need to be said, just so i can have some peace of mind.

so maybe next time, when i don't seem myself, you'd like to ask me why?

or maybe, just maybe, you'll realise the problem yourself.

george...

you really didn't have to show this to people,

considering how shiteee it is, i really would have preferred for you not to.

^and yes, i named you.

ha.

;)

and just for good measure...

'http://fuckitletsgobowling.blogspot.com/'
:')

wow.

ahhh, i like him.
i didn't realise how much,
but yeahhh, i really kind of do.
haha, i just hope it's worth the risk.

'he wasn't a racist, he liked the blacks if they lived in their own country'

hahah, urmmm wow.
;)

i haven't forgotten...

i haven't, nor will i ever.
there will always be a little piece of you,
somewhere near me,
i promise.
time went to quickly,
before i realised quite how attached i was,
you were gone.

i promise,
i'll never forget you.
<3

okay, so for everyone that was close to me,
to now be best friends with him,
tells me alot about our friendship.
or what was our friendship.

it's stupid that i'm still fucked up enough to care,
but honestly, most of you were meant to be my best friends,
and you all know what happened,
so for you all to be in love with him now,
is really starting to piss me off.

so fuck you all.
i can do so much better anyway.

i am not fat,
so fuck you.
and considering you were chubby until a couple of years ago,
you can't really say anything about anyone else.

what a dick.

you think you're amazing,
some sort of player,
but you're actually just a whore.
and it amuses me when you think everyone is jealous of you,
when all they are thinking is that you're a twat.
well, that improved my night at least.

change.

i've neglected the blog,
and i don't know why,
because i've felt so much these last few weeks,
than i have for the past two years.

it's strange how something or someone can change so quickly.
i long for those days when i was one of the most important people in your life,
and now i seem like just a burden.
i hope this changes,
because i don't know what i'd do without you.

my life is pretty pants.

so i was sitting in my room,

like the most unsociable person that i am,

thinking how nice it would be to laugh.

to actually laugh.

like those moments you have with your closest friends,

finding anything and everything hilarious,

just because you can.

laughing so hard tears run down your face,

and your stomach starts to hurt.

to laugh like this would make my day.

to be fair, it would probably make my year.

i believe this more and more everyday.

'i miss you like a flower misses the sun in winter'


it's funny how this is what i remember most,
it's cute but was said at the wrong time.



still, it makes me smile every time i think of it.

what i'd never say.

a 'friend' alerted me to that fact that my blog says alot about me,
and how i'm feeling when i write certain posts.
and it's true, but i guess in a way it's an acceptable thing for me,
because it's not like i show my true feelings to many people anyway.
so yes, i get alot more emotional when writing,
than i do in public,
and sometimes i just let everything build up, until i write a horribly revealing post to make myself feel better, but that's just me.

and yes, when things get hard for me, i tend to write alot more posts,
which is why i've only been on here twice in the last few weeks,
but nothing is really as bad as it's probably read.
yes, there are things i would like to forget,
things that i'd rather had never happened,
but if they hadn't, i guess i wouldn't be the sarcastic person i am today.
which would lead onto something else,
my sarcasm is a shield for me,
it's a mask that lets me be someone who doesn't feel alot on the outside,
so yes, i can sound bitchy and all that,
but if you really knew me,
you'd know that's just a face i put on to deal with the world.

so i want to thank that 'friend',
because although they sounded extremely stupid and way too formal,
it made me realise that my blogs say exactly who i am,
in a way that i don't always like.
so i'm going to watch that,
and hopefully improve myself.

i actually hate you right now.

that's such a bitchy thing to do,
and it's not like it's the first thing you've done.

it's maaaa birthday...

finally sixteen,
and i feel no different.

apologies...

apparently my spanish computer doesn't approve of 'spell check',
and the keyboard is completely wrong,
so if my posts seem odd and make no sense,
blame it on the foreign ...

august.

well, i'm a little late in celebrating the new month, but nevermind.
basically, this will be a good month,
i get to disappear for three long weeks to my 'fantasy' world,
where anything is possible.
of course, when i talk about pregnancies and STDs, you know i'm only kidding,
but when it comes to falling in love and finding yourself, i'd recommend it in an instant.
this place, not suited for everyone, is magical,
and i don't know if it's just because of the sun and the beach or how many good looking people are here,
but i honestly think this place is special.

for 49 weeks per year i'm waiting for this journey to come around,
the trip isn't always so great, but experiencing the rush of adrenaline as the plane takes of,
and the fear you feel when you go through a storm,
the journey is worth it.
i used to dread coming here, my 'second home' although as magical as it is,
doesn't always hold it's appeal when you start to get too 'cool' for family holidays,
but this year, it's different.
i wanted to leave England, needed somewhere new and exciting to go,
and even though i joke about this holiday as 'going home' - it is how i feel this year.

i'm home.

dangerous, yet exciting.

writing block.

my lack of writing is something that really upsets me.
i hate that i have nothing to say,
because really, i have so much that i want to put down,
but it's so meaningless to everyone and really, it would sound so self obsessive that i'd rather just let my blog wither away,
instead of writing what i really feel.

so, empty spaces will now fill theses pages,
until i get a glimmer of that writing spark i once had.

i can't believe it.

there are so many things going through my head right now,

but the biggest one is,

'you have to be kidding me?!'

i'm in shock,

i can't believe you got the one thing that i wanted most of all,

i mean, you actual fuckerrr.

eurgh, it's bad enough that i have to see you every day,

but now i even get to see you in my 'spare time'.

oh my.

you have to be kidding me.

pride and prejudice.

this is quite possibly my favourite book.

i don't know if it's the romantic love story,

or the fact that they have to go through so much to finally be together,

but i love it.

simple as that.

well.

i don't really have anything to write about,
but there is so much on my mind.
so, where do i start?
with the crappy self body issues that i'm having at the moment,
or just my life in general?

okay, so i went to hitchen open air pool today,
and actually, it made me more confident with myself and what i look like,
so i'm glad i went.

and life in general,
well it could be better, but i'm glad with what i have at the moment.

yeppp, that was officially the worst post i have ever written.
kill me now.

Mr Gotch, where are you?

i'm sitting here waiting,
for you to come strolling into the computer room with that usual look on your face.

eurgh, i'm so bored.

please hurry so i can go home?

are you using me for some sick game?

i don't know what to think,
nothing happens and then suddenly we're best friends again?
i think not.
the fact that you never made the effort kind of takes the piss,
and now how you think it's suddenly okay for you to pretend like nothing happened?
eurgh.

and what gets to me most is that i'm kind of happy that we're speaking,
because i missed you,
so basically i'm the twat for replying, but now i can't really stop.
and i thought that being friends again would be a good thing,
and in a way it is for sure, but not when you make it hard for me.

so, are you just messing with my head again?
or is this for real?

june/july.

so i'm a little late, my apologies.
not that i even expect anyone to read this, but you know,
it's nice to think that maybe someone would like to know what i'm thinking/feeling/doing.

june was okay, i guess.
exams were stressful,
and i regret not revising when i had the chance,
so i basically went into every exam without any chance of actually passing.
what a twat.

did i meet my june targets?
probably not.
- i don't think i pissed too many people off this month - what an achievement.
- first impressions? well i was orange for a start, and had on the longest skirt,
so yes, my first impression was attractive. or rather not.
- self-presentation, ah. i failed this target, as i thought i probably would, considering i even went to prom with damp hair, so yeah, good one luce.
- one target i did meet...i'm not dead, praise the lord.

july expectations
pontins - well this has already been, but because of my late entry i'll talk about it now.
ah, well this usually isn't so great, i mean we always get home by five on sunday, all a little depressed because we are shite.
however, this year - third babyyy.
uhuh, we were shocked, but you know, we deserved it, and it was pretty good in the end, even though the umpire was extremely bias in the semi-final - but we were pleased with ourselves anyway. and it was our last year, so i think we did good.
sun, i'm expecting a tan with all this free time on my hands, hopefully the sun will stay for this to happen, naturally?
spain at the end of the month, aah it should be good, i haven't seen a beach in a while.
and i'm expecting some boredom, as i have no job, and am pretty much broke so it's not like i'll be going anywhere that needs to be paid for, so yeah, boredom will soon set in.

july targets
find a job!
get a tan, pretty necessary if i'm honest.
and have another go at improving my 'self-presentation', but honestly i think it's a losing battle.

okay, well we'll see what happens.

ohhhhh.

i need a job.

i am in debt for the first time,

and it is depressing.

not being able to buy anything is horrible,
not an experience i really want to repeat.

so, i need a job.

pausing.

hesitating.

stability is overrated.

dream the dream that hasn't been dreamt before.

i need clothes.

new clothes,

i honestly need some.

it's not that i want a new wardrobe or anything,

just a couple of summer t.shirts that will get me through the next couple of months.
that would be nice.

luck.

i think, in a weird way, i am kind of lucky,
as nothing horrific has ever happened to me,
i mean, yes i've had some bad experiences, but nothing that has really put me in depression,
so yes, i think i'm kind of lucky.

exams.

this is stupid,

i know i should be revising,

and i know that when it comes to the day of the exams i will be stressing madly,

and annoying everyone,

and it'll be all my own fault.

i've tried,

i guess just not hard enough.

and i've done two past papers,

and a couple of cue cards,

so that kind of makes me feel a tad better.

but really, it's a fail.

and i know,

that when i get my results and they're not as good as i wanted,

i'll only have myself to blame,

and i'll regret not revising when i had the chance.

shoes.

i don't care how sad and pathetic this post is going to sound,
because i'm experiencing something new.

i am in love with a pair of shoes.

okay, well maybe not 'love' - but i have a very strong liking.
for a pair of shoes,
i've never heard anything so sad.

but it's true, and even though i may change my dress,
or look a state on the night,
my shoes will be lovely.
that's my last hope really.

my lovely new shoes.

may/june.

may wasn't so bad,
there were tears and laughter and general emotional outbursts,
but it was a pretty good month,
apart from the 'self presentation' part - yeah, that could have been better.

june expectations
alot of crying, alot of stress, oh exams shall be fun,
those lovely induction days that i am clearly looking forward to,
because it won't be awkward or anything, right?
urm, prom anticipation should probably be on the list,
and netball matches where we shall be doing some 'ass whopping'.

june targets
try not to piss too many people off,
even though first impressions aren't so great for me, try and get it right anyway,
make an effort in the 'self presentation' department - generally to please my mother,
and try not to kill myself.

overall, june should be good.

'are you okay?'

the most often reply is, 'yes, i'm fine',
which in a way is true, but only because it's a habit to say it.

then you have the more challenging question,
'what are you feeling?'
which cannot be answered very easily,
and generally noone truly knows how they're feeling,
so you get the reply, 'nothing'.
which can annoy people alot, can make them think that you just can't be bothered to talk to them,
but really, they want to talk to you, they just don't know what about.

and to finish off, you get, 'what are you thinking?'
which in itself is hard to answer,
because if you answer honestly, it could hurt or upset someone,
and if you lie, well it may have just been easier to tell the truth,
and sometimes, you don't know what to say,
because what you were thinking was so surreal, that you wanted it to be true,
and the realisation of it being just a 'day dream', makes it that much harder to accept.

it happens when you least expect it,

that feeling of being alone.

you could be in a crowded room,

yet feel like the odd one out,

going unnoticed and alone,

even when you're surrounded by friends.

walking blind.

sometimes i feel as though i'm walking blindly through life,
not seeing much, yet feeling alot.
i used to wish i could see, everything, everywhere i went,
but now i know that it takes more to feel something,
than to take a glance and see something.

my computer crashed.

lovelovelovelovelovelove them.

♥

again i go unnoticed.

revision.

girl one: 'i had a dream about your ex-boyfriend last night'
girl two: 'you what?'
girl one: 'yeah, we fell in love'

and that is daytime television for you.

complicated.

i hate myself for feeling like this,
for still feeling something for you.
i have people telling me things that i never knew,
like how much you actually cared,
how much you talked about me,
and how you did actually feel bad about what happened.

which then makes me think that maybe you did mean what you told me,
maybe you honestly were just confused about everything,
and maybe it's my fault that i rushed you to decide.
but then i think of the 'recents'.
the ones who you're chasing,
or pursuing even.
and that makes me want to cry,
and makes me realise how lucky i was to not get hurt any deeper than i was.

errrrrrr.

i honestly thought it was over,
i thought i was done with the sadness,
but apparently there'll always be a place in my heart for you.
bastard.
i hate that it's there,
because you don't deserve it.
i want it to go,
because i'm sure you have a place in most people's hearts.

you gave me hope.

i honestly thought i was better,
moving on or whatever it is that happens.
and then you came along,
made me believe something that will never be,
so now i'm back to square one.
please, keep it to yourself next time?

ah.

i listened to the lyrics,
wondering what you could possibly mean.
i listened to the melody,
wondering if the lullaby meant anything at all to me.
i listened to the song,
wondering if it was written for me.

right feeling, wrong person?

i'm so confused.
i don't know whether you actually mean something to me,
or whether it's just something that i want.
not you maybe, just what we could have.
i guess the only way to tell is to carry on how we are,
and just hope that i don't hurt myself or you in the process.

forgotten.

so many things have been forgotten,

as so much is changing.

everyone is pushing forward,

noone's looking back.

things are beginning to get left behind,

but noone's noticed yet.

some days you look and wonder where something is,

wonder is you'll ever get it back.

but it's in the past now,

because when you were so keen to push forward,

you forgot to glance back,

and hold on to the things most important to you.

why me?

when i was finally starting to get back on track,
pretty happy with the way things were going,
something big fucks it all up again.

i hate how this has happened,
and that it's you.
i mean, most other people i could deal with,
but you?
i think that's what hurts most.

and yes, i know it's my fault.
i should never have started it,
but my heart was in the right place.
i was only trying to help,
but looks like i got in too deep.

and there's nothing i can do to change that now.
i just want us to put it behind us,
because otherwise i'm worried where that leaves us.
but i'll always feel the guilt,
and see the look on your face.

so i'm sorry,
and i know there's nothing i can do to make up for it.
but i hope it doesn't change anything,
because i really don't want that.

too many things were left unsaid.

so now i'm left; wondering and waiting.

this is how i want to feel.

summer, please be good.

this is very cute.

oh boy.

just as i started to breathe again,
thinking that i'd finally disconnected from you,
you spring back towards me.

you have too many 'friends' for my liking.
i see them everywhere,
all looking at me,
some even laughing.
and these aren't even 'friends',
these are 'conquests'.

and i hate to be one of them.
i mean, yesterday was quite horrible if i'm being honest.
i was in my favourite shop,
looking for anything that would make me look decent,
and there she was,
staring at me from across the shop.
oh, awkward or what?
and then, she started to laugh.
i mean, yes i looked a state,
but that's not the point.
laughing at me?
bitch.
and then she decided that instead of laughing at me from the other side of the shop,
she had to come and talk to me.
well, that was not a good move.
and the 'conversation'? bloody pointless.
'are you lucy?'
obviously.

and of course, she had her friend,
lovely little sidekick that i thought you'd let go last year.
ah, what a loser i am, because obviously not.
she clearly thought she was the bee's knees.
had the front to look at me like i was some sort of dirt,
and then felt the need to walk away talking about you,
pretty much shouting your name,
just to make sure that i could hear.
and honestly, i was in too much shock to do much,
and it didn't help that when this was happening i was on my own,
waiting for the mother and her credit card.

so, moral of my experience,
'only date people who have no friends'.

hello may.

april.

well april has had it's ups and downs,
but generally it's just been a 'down' month.

there was the start,
easter, chocolate, cute texts, cliche thoughts.
then the middle,
half term, heartbreak, illness, sad thoughts.
and then the end,
school, stress, exams, distracting thoughts.
and finally, the last day of an overall shite month.
in fact, today has been lovely,
pretty much one of the nicest days in april.

so i've decided,
new month, new start.

i'm not going to think about you anymore,
because it doesn't help me,
it only tears my heart a little more each time.
i'm not going to let you invade my thoughts,
control me with those words that i long to hear again,
yet know they're being used on someone else.
i'm not going to care anymore.

easier said than done.

in time i hope things will be better,
maybe you'll grow some and actually apologise?
doubtful i know,
but lets be honest, it's not like this is the first time.
hopefully we'll manage the relationship 'friends',
and i use the term loosely.
maybe, just maybe, next year won't be awkward,
because i need the escape, and i don't want you to take that from me.






goodbye april.

mr. underwood.

bless him.
he came and sat next to me today,
wanting a chat,
about how my life was going at the moment.
then he asked about the exams i've already done,
i explained and he then proceeded to give me a little speech,
telling me how proud he was of me,
how he'll never lose his faith in me,
how it broke his heart to see me cry,
and how he knows i'm only ever going up in the world.
honestly, it was the cutest speech.
his eyes were welling up,
and it was such a different moment.
not awkward, just different.
i mean, my parents have never even had that sort of conversation with me.
i think all i'm trying to say is that it meant a lot to me,
knowing that at least someone's proud of me,
how someone believes in me.

don't ever think you're not good enough.

the joys of life.

what made me think that i was special enough to actually like my life?

i mean, it's not like i've done anything to deserve a 'nice' life,

and i say nice in the context of boring.

but i haven't done anything that would result in me having such a boring life either.

i just wish that it would brighten a little,

even a spark would suit me.

but i doubt it will,

because if i'm honest,

it's rather steady.

it doesn't progress or go back.

it just kind of stays put.

like me i guess.

and there's my problem.

i'm stuck still.

my love of dance.

^this is beautiful.

hmmmm.

it only just hit me.

i think i've spent the last week or so in a bubble.

a protective aura around me,

keeping in the last happy memories.

but today that shield has gone.

i woke up this morning thinking, 'what am i doing today?',

and then i thought, 'ah, it's 'our' day'.

but it's not.

not anymore.

and as sad as this whole thing sounds,

this is when it hit me that there won't be an 'our' day again.

hate.

i don't hate alot of people,

in fact, i don't think i really hate anyone.

i dislike alot of people,

but hate is too strong to be used lightly.

so when i say this,

it clearly means alot,

and i'm not just saying it for no reason.

i hate you.

for everything you put her through.
for everything that she now feels,
has to get past,

and generally everything that she will remember for a long time.
and yes, you may be sorry,

you may apologize by complimenting her,

making her feel 'special'.

but what you did,

goes way beyond the normal 'sorry'.

i honestly don't think i can look at you again,

which will make things awkward,

but to be honest,

i couldn't care less right now.

and you know what the worst thing is?

she's trying to protect you.

it's not my fault.

i'm sorry,
but you cannot blame this on me.
my text was perfectly clear,
and so were your actions and comments.
so blaming me?
yeah, you fucked up there.
because it's not my fault.
and next time you want to try and blame me,
look on the wall post,
read your comments,
and then think about how i might be feeling.

eurgh.

so i'm past caring.
if you didn't want to be with me,
then you say that you don't want to be with me.
you don't drag it on,
and then ignore all my attempts to mend the situation.
because honestly, mending the situation right now is me calling you every name under the sun.

it's not all about the sex.

hm,
looks like it was all about the sex after all.

okay, so here's the plan.

you continue to do what you want,
as you please,
not even bothering to make the effort.

i'll start to do what i want,
as i please,
stopping to make the effort completely.

sound good?
like you even give a shit.

this is why i love my mum.

my mother is amazing.
i know almost everyone is going to say this,
and sure, i'm obviously a tad bias,
but honestly, my mum is one of the best.

she gave me one of the best pieces of advice today.
even though all my lovely friends have been amazing,
and given me amazing 'motivation speeches' and 'moving on quotes',
my mum out beat them all.

we were shopping in topshop today-as you do,
and she turned to me and said,
'lucy, just have a good old bitch about her,
get her out of your system and then sort out the situation,
and tell him that she's on a wind-up as this isn't the first time'.
and although sure,
this could get me into some slight trouble,
and it may not be the best thing to do,
it was the way she said it,
like it would cure me of everything i've felt in the last couple of days.

so yes,
i proceeded to do just that,
in topshop,
to my mum.
and i felt better after,
and of course she then gave me some decent advice,
pretty much the same that i'd been getting all week.
but it was just in that one moment,
when she clearly thought 'fuck it, i'll tell her what everyone else hasn't'.
and you know what?
i wish i'd been told to do it earlier.

elegance and mystery.

i don't know why, but i love this picture.

russell brand.

lovelovelove him. ♥

i'm not stupid.

for some reason, unknown to me,
you seem to think that i may be intellectually retarded?
mentally slow?
blond and dumb?
well i'm not.
just because i don't have the balls to talk to you,
because i'm so angry at you,
that i would have to scream, as talking at a lower volume wouldn't make me feel better.

but to be honest, this is your fault.
well, as well as sharing it with someone else.
because if you actually thought about your 'true' feelings,
then you would never have said anything in the first place.
you wouldn't have said something so small that would change everything,
to then change your mind a couple of hours later.

and the way you talk about it,
when you mention me it's as though you think i'm the stupid one for feeling so much?
whereas you, with your pretty features and nice hair, feel nothing.
no regret, no guilt for making so many issues out of nothing.
no guilt for making people feel so much pain.
and then you said something that made you sound so stupid,
i had to laugh.

'she doesn't know who it is.'
oh really?
are you sure?
because i'm not stupid love.
i know that it's you.
everyone knows that it's you.
because you've always been there,
on the sidelines,
just waiting.

so you can go and stick your pity,
because i don't need anything from you.
you've done enough damage with those few words.
i hope you're happy,
because honestly, i'm not.

hello good mood.

i have alot to say.

i have so much to say,
yet the words just don't get said.
i'm scared to say them,
because of what may result from them.
i don't want to think about them,
but they are the only things on my mind.

i'm physically ill from them,
but throwing up doesn't help.
if anything it makes me feel more shit,
because i have nothing else to think about.

i need to tell you what i'm thinking,
but i don't want to force you to choose.
i'm so happy when i'm with you,
that losing you never really occurred to me.

but it's your decision,
to be honest there's nothing i can really do.
it doesn't matter how many times i say 'i love you',
how i tell you that i still get nervous when i see you,
and how i still get butterflies when i think of you,
and that through all of this i still want to be with you,
even though i know that i might not be the only person on your mind.

so you fucked up my day,
and i let someone else down because of you.
and although i promised myself i would never cry over you,
somehow that didn't quite stick.

so when it takes me an hour to reply to you,
it's because i honestly don't know what to say.
because i don't want to force you,
and i don't want to lose you.
just because i love you.

everything matters.

just somedays it matters more than others.

pictures and colour.

so i realised that the limited pictures that i have on here are black and white,

and that my blog seems rather depressing.

so i've decided to have more pictures,

and more colour.

this may not stick,

but i'll see what happens.

^ just because i love her,

and her effortlessly chic style.

complaints.

i generally keep things in,
sharing only slight slithers of feelings to those i really trust.
but today i decided that i needed to write it all down,
see if it makes me feel better in anyway at all.
but i have alot to write down,
all about different things.
well i hope it helps,
but i guess we'll see.

it annoys me how you change your mind,
how you were so indecisive once the plans had been made,
and how you've made my life alot harder than it needed to be.
so yes,
i may have sounded harsh,
and it might not sound fair,
but i'm not taking the responsibility for your crap.
and the fact that you were so immature to avoid me for the whole day,
yes that spoke volumes.
you know you're in the wrong.

it's stupid how little you think of me,
how even in the 'group discussions',
you never hear a word i say.
and i would like to change this,
get you to hear me,
even for just the once,
but it would make things more complicated,
and i don't think i can deal with that.
so i'll carry on and see what happens,
but you should at least try and listen to me,
seeing as i have a better idea of what is going on than you do.

you made me feel pathetic, small and very very keen.
so yes, i may miss you,
i may want to talk to you,
i might even want to see you.
but for you to be so uninterested,
yes, that made me feel like shit.
rejection is usually okay to handle,
but this went a bit further than usual.
so i would like to thank you,
for putting me in this mood today.

life.

to know is to like.

to like is to want.
to want is to need.

to need is to love.

to love is to live.

more.

i should blog more,
i should think more,
i should do more,
i should feel more.

but even though i know this,
is it ever going to change?
because this isn't the first time i've thought this,
realised just how little i do,
but it hasn't made me change yet.

maybe something will have to happen,
to make me change,
to finally set me straight.
i hope it doesn't take too long.

but do i want to change?
i think i need to,
just for everyone else's sake,
rather than my own.
but more will have to happen,
for anything to change at all.

happy birthday.

there are some things you will never know,
like how much i love you,
how my stomach goes into a frenzy every time i think of you,
and how you are the only thing on my mind,
when i'm with you and when i'm not.

then there's the texts,
how when i see your name i automatically smile,
go tingly at the thought of you thinking of me too.
and then there's those precious hours when i see you,
even if only for a bit,
it is still the most amazing time for me.

so you see,
you will never know how much i love you,
because i can't even explain it myself.
all i know,
is that i do.

i love you.

motivation.

i have none.
nothing to push me to revise,
work towards something that will actually get me somewhere.

so yesterday i neglected macbeth,
ignored my maths books,
and did nothing.

i daydreamed,
i watched a film,
i ignored the world for a couple of hours.

it was peaceful,
relaxing.
it was lazy,
yet the guilt hasn't quite reached me yet.

yet, i still have none.
so now i'm just going to push myself to do it,
make myself open my revision book,
and analyze macbeth.
because if i don't,
i know i'm going to regret it.

jealousy.

i try not to,
i try to control those feared thoughts that occupy my mind;
the ones that poke and pester,
and never stop.


they are always there,
in every thought,
saved in the back of my mind.
i don't like them,
and i try not to think about them,
but it's hard.
it's hard to ignore,
hard to live without thinking of them once.


so yes,
i get jealous,
and i hate the feeling,
but i can't stop.
maybe it's how much i feel that makes those jealous thoughts appear,
maybe it's just the mood i'm in.


and it hurts.
jealousy hurts.
it creates cracks that were never there before.
but i'm trying not to let it get to me,
because i'm worried what happens if it does.

moods.

i'm not sure why i feel like this,
maybe it's hormones, or just something that had to happen.
all i can say is,
i don't like the person i am when i'm like this,
i'm a bitch.
but nothing seems to help.
talking to you makes it worse,
because i see how horrible i am to you,
yet i can't stop.
clearly there's something wrong,
something inside me that's gone wrong.
and i want to fix it,
but i just don't know how.

it's not simple.

some things can never be explained;

like the way i feel about you,

or the way i get butterflies whenever i think of you.

i can't describe it,

so i'll just say,

i love you.

'i love you like a drug'...

...and who said romance was dead?

something different.

it's hard to talk about it.
i feel awkward and embarrassed when i try.
yet i want to talk about it,
i want to get it off my chest.

i really want to tell you,
but not by msn or text,
face to face,
because you deserve to be told that way.

yet, every time i arrange to see you,
something happens,
something stops me getting to you,
stops me telling you.

but i don't want it to change anything between us,
that is the last thing i want to happen.
but if i don't tell you,
you'll find out anyway,
by someone else,
from someone else's point of view.

so next time i see you,
i'm going to tell you.
i just hope nothing changes.

drafts.

i have roughly fifty drafts;
posts that probably will never be published,
posts that are so pathetic it makes me cringe to reread them.
yet i can't delete them,
i can't let go of them.
some are silly little thoughts flowing through my mind at the time,
others whole pages of useless, pathetic feelings that mean so much,
yet really have no relevance.
so it's not that i have nothing to write,
nothing to be heard.
it's just that everything i write is too pathetic to be published.

fail.

i am a fail.
i know it,
i know other people know it,
and basically i know that i'm such a great person for it.
^sarcasm in case people didn't get it.

so i know that i can piss you off,
upset you or put you down.
but i don't mean to.
i would never do that on purpose.
i just don't know how else to be,
how else to act,
and to be honest,
it has been going on for too long now,
that it's hard for me to stop, or even change.

and yes,
i know i can seem obsessed or maybe too keen sometimes,
and i'm sorry.
but some people will always come first,
my best friends will always come first.
and if you can't see that,
then clearly i've been worse than i thought.

because the truth is,
without you i would be lost,
and i don't want to lose you,
and i know it's my fault.
and i'm sorry.

i love you.

there is no possible way for me to express,

just how much you mean to me.

you're the only person who can really cheer me up,

make me smile even when all i can say is 'fuck my life',

and you're the only one that really understands just how much things mean to me,

how i'm feeling,

and how pathetically stupid i can be.

i don't have to worry when i'm with you,

or stress about anything other than our plans for the day.

we could laugh for hours on end,

just living in the moment,

nothing else seems important.

sometimes i think how you might not always be there;

how you might go your own way,

or leave me for something better.

something i don't want to think about,

yet the thought is always there,

how alone i'll feel without you,
even though you'd only be a phone call away.

i'm so envious of you;

the way you talk,

the way you live your life,

no worries or complaints.

yet i could never hate you for it,

never dislike you in the least.

because it is what makes you you,

it's what sets you out from the rest.

there was a time when i thought,

'why me? what made me special enough to have someone like you in my life?'

i still don't know.

but i do know that i am lucky,

to have someone so close that i can tell anything to.

so i am thankful,

thankful that i have you.

you're my bestfriend,

i love you.

new things.

virgin.

my first blog and it's already a fail.
my computer didn't help me,
the freezing,
closing down windows,
restarting the computer when i didn't tell it to.
either this was a sign telling me that a blog is not the best idea,
or i need a new computer.
so far, i think the first is where i am heading.

i'm not sure what i should be writing about;
some people have inspirational quotes and posts,
others, short sentences and envious thoughts,
but i think i'll end up using this as a sort of therapist;
just writing everything, from how i feel,
to what's happening around me.
pathetic i know,
but i'm not the sort of person to have anything more artistic to say.

ah, who knows what will happen,
if i'll even have anything to say,
but for the moment,
i'll carry on and see where this takes me.